Dear Ms. Wright,
Before you left you told us that the substitute teachers that would be in our class for the next three days would write you a report on our behavior every day so you would know exactly what we idea and exactly how we acted. Well, I thought that it would be good for me to write you a report on exactly what the substitutes did and exactly how they acted. You see Ms. Wright, you did not have to worry about what we would do while you are gone. Instead you should have been worried about what those substitutes would put us through.
On the first day that you were gone, we walked into the classroom to find that all of the desks had been removed and we were greeted by a woman in a dress that was covered with pictures of pink hearts and flowers who hugged and kissed each one of us as we came in. She instructed us all to sit one of the many beanbags that were spread around the classroom to form a giant circle. She gave us each a cupcake that had our name written on it with icing. She told us that her name was Ms. Fantastic and that she was so excited to see us all that she had been at the school since four in the morning waiting for us and preparing for our arrival.
As we ate our cupcakes, or “brain food,” Ms. Fantastic told us that she would be our substitute for the day and that she was from Hollywood. Ms. Fantastic learned to be a teacher in Hollywood by watching the most inspirational teacher movies and emulating the techniques of the characters. Ms. Fantastic ended her introduction by tell us that she “was sure we will become quick friends and never ever forget each other.”
When the announcements came on Ms. Fantastic made us all cover our ears with our hands until they were over. She told us that good teachers never take orders from administration and that she didn’t want their voices to be heard in her classroom. When Sandra reminded Ms. Fantastic that it wasn’t her classroom Ms. Fantastic said that teachers like her only need a short amount of time to make a huge impact on students so she didn’t need it to be her classroom for very long.
Instead of having Reading Time, we had to go around and share our favorite memories and tell each other nice things about each other. Instead of practicing spelling, we recited what Ms. Fantastic called “inspirational phrases” such as “Seize the Day!” or “If you can dream it you can achieve it!” During Math Time we practiced standing on our heads. When Marco asked “When are we going to learn something?” Ms. Fantastic said that we had been so brainwashed by the system that we didn’t know real learning when we saw it.
At lunchtime, Ms. Fantastic made us unpack all of our lunches and place our food in the middle of the lunch table. She said that today lunch was going to be like a potluck, and that we would all share everything.
By the end of the day we were all exhausted and we hadn’t even learned anything! We asked if she would be back the next day and she told us no, she had to go to another school to touch other lives. Ms. Fantastic went on to tell us that another substitute trained in Hollywood would be coming instead. Ms. Fantastic started crying and told us that she would never forget us and she hugged us again.
The next morning, most of us tried to fake sick. Our parents didn’t buy it. When we walked into the classroom, it was back to normal. We began to think that today might be a better day. We thought about this for a long time. A very long time. By 8:30 the substitute had not shown up yet. Maria poked her head out the door and said no one was coming. We were just about to ask the teacher next door for help when a grizzly looking man walked in, plopped down at the teacher’s desk, lay his head down and began snoozing. We all looked at each other, not sure what to do. He woke up about fifteen minutes later, looked at us and said, “alright, so what do we do here?” Eddie told him we start with attendance. Carla had to help him find the attendance sheet. Sidney told him where a pen was. Twenty minutes later we were done with attendance.
I asked him if he went to the same teaching school as Ms. Fantastic, he said yes. We asked why he was so different than Ms. Fantastic and he told us it was because he specialized in a different type of teaching that he had learned from a different set of teacher movies. He told us that he believed that children learn best when they are forced to learn on their own. So he left us alone.
I asked him what we should call him and he told us to call him ‘whatever.’ So we called him Mr. Whatever. Mr. Whatever told us to do anything we liked but to not be noisy. Some of us read, some of played cards. Mr. Whatever lost his lunch to Susan in poker.
It was a pretty fun day but it made me feel worried that I would forget what we started learning in math and that we would get behind the other classes. Half an hour before the bell rang Mr. Whatever told us he had to leave early to meet some friends. He told us to keep it down and goodbye.
The last day that you were gone was the worst. When we came in the desks were all pulled apart and arranged in rows instead of groups. A woman with long nails dressed all in black sat at the teacher’s desk. We walked in quietly and sat down. She didn’t look up until someone giggled. She walked over to the giggler until her face was only inches away. After a few minutes of this she walked to the chalkboard and scraped the words “Read a book” onto the board. We all took out a book and read. The whole day. We were too scared to tell her that we were missing P.E and Recess.
As soon as the bell rang we all ran out of the classroom. Behind us we could hear her cackling.
Mrs. Wright, we are all very glad that you did not go to the Hollywood teacher school. If you did you might be crazy, or scary, or boring. And we wouldn’t learn anything. So please come back Mrs. Wright, and next time you go, make sure not to choose a substitute from Hollywood.
Yours Truly,
Mary
Introduction
Think you don’t know how to teach? Don’t worry about it—it’s easy, anyone can do it! In The Joy of Teaching I will show you how to be the kind of teacher that today’s society revels in. In this edition, I provide three recipes for becoming the teacher you want to be. Whether you’ve been driven to the profession by a passion to teach, or you’re in it because you need a paycheck, I’ve got a recipe that will fit your needs!
The following recipes should be viewed as guidelines, not rules that must be followed to the letter. Teaching is a lot like cooking, you get a result no matter what you throw into the pot! Feel free to take these recipes and make them your own. Remember, teaching is about what works for you. Don’t let someone else’s standards dictate how you teach. You’re the one doing the teaching, so why not do it your way?
SuperTeacher Smoothie
I call this a “smoothie” because making yourself into a SuperTeacher is like making a smoothie. To make a smoothie, you don’t really need a recipe, its better to have a formula that you can tweak to meet your own needs. For a smoothie, you basically need some kind of liquid base, a bunch of fruit, maybe some ice and from there on you add whatever tickles you fancy and blend away! Becoming a SuperTeacher is similar. It’s super easy and it reflects your style.
Ingredients:
1 cup goodness (or a good heart)
1 good head on your shoulders (or common sense)
½ cup of unorthodoxy
1 tablespoon stubbornness
A pinch of experience (optional)
Troubled, Mysterious Past (optional)
First of all, I must say, my favorite part of this recipe is the good heart. Can you ever go wrong with a good heart? I think not. So, to become a SuperTeacher, let your good heart guide you in all that you do. Remember, relationships always trump academics. A SuperTeacher NEVER lets academics get in the way with his/her likability. It’s important for you that your students like you, it will give you a sense purpose and make you feel like you are doing something for someone, or at least like you have friends.
Next, remember that along with a good heart, common sense is what will guide you as you become a SuperTeacher. Sure there are books written on the profession, research has been conducted and there are countless workshops that you can attend that will ‘teach you how to teach,’ but a SuperTeacher like you doesn’t need that, right? When a problem arises, just think to yourself, “what do I think is the best thing to do? “ It’s probably best to go with your gut. The gut of a SuperTeacher can be trusted.
Combine the stubbornness and unothodoxy and stir them against the grain. The difference between a SuperTeacher and other teachers is that they represent information in a new way. What way you ask? Whatever way you think is best! Other teachers may scoff at your stubbornness and unorthodoxy, especially if they are experienced. Ignore them, SuperTeachers never listen to administration, they just don’t. You’re a SuperTeacher, and your students like you. That’s all that matters.
The last two ingredients are completely optional. A pinch of experience adds a lovely touch, but be sure not to go overboard! Part of the reason you’re a SuperTeacher is because your brilliance comes from you, not from someone else’s findings or beliefs! A mysterious past is especially good for SuperTeachers who wish to work with teenagers. Having a mysterious past will make you appear cool, and students learn best from cool teachers.
The Anti-Teacher
Ok, so you want to be teacher—but you don’t really want to be a teacher. No worries! Teaching can be lot like babysitting, and anyone can babysit. The easiest age group to babysit is teenagers, so this recipe is probably best for High School teachers. Teenagers are old enough to take care of their own bathroom needs and best of all, they are old enough to be held accountable for many of their own failures and injuries! This recipes lacks supervision and accountability, so it is definitely suited best for teachers of older students!
3 heaping cups of counter productivity
2 cups of incompetence
2 cups apathy
½ cup control
concern for students, as much as you have on hand
So an Anti-Teacher is just what it sounds like, a teacher who doesn’t teach! Now I’m not saying that you can’t do teacher-like things. Taking attendance is a great way to look like your teaching when administrators are passing by. But you’re main goal is to not teach, not to get caught not teaching, and receive a paycheck each month.
Mix the counter productivity, incompetence and apathy. This is a killer combination for an effective Anti-Teacher. You’re job is to not teach the students, or better yet make it harder for them to learn! If you’re experiencing stress in your personal life, your classroom can be a great tool for relieving your frustrations. Pass them on to your students! Assign ridiculously long papers and frequently give pop quizzes. Life is tough, you can show your students that (although, in a way, this does border on teaching them…).
Take the ½ cup control and give it to the students! The Anti-Teacher always makes a point of letting the students control the classroom.
Lastly, but perhaps most importantly, take any concern you may have for your students and get rid of it. If there’s anything that can provoke you to start actually teaching, it’s any type of deep-seated concern or affection for your students. Remember, students are basically strangers to you, so why should you do anything to help them?
The Scary Teacher
Does intimidating others make you feel better about yourself? Do you naturally just hate kids or people in general? Then you’ll love this recipe! The teaching profession is especially good for you because it involves working with minors who have little power against you. When becoming this kind of teacher, you are in a way setting yourself up for being hated by your students. This is fine, but be prepared to answer a lot of questions and shoulder complaints from parents.
3 cups of control
2 cups of unfairness
1 cup of weird/scary quirks
1 cup manipulation
½ favoritism (optional)
The control is the star of this recipe. You want to give the impression of having complete control over your classroom. If you can get your students to believe this, they’ll never cross you. You having all the control will also add to your scary persona. Unfairness and control complement each other very well. You being blatantly unfair will reinforce that fact that you are in control.
This part requires a little dramatic flair. You have control and you run the show unfairly, but that just makes you intimidating and infuriating. Add strange things like wearing a black cape, never cutting your fingernails, or mutter to an invisible animal perched on your shoulder from time to time. This makes you mysterious and a little crazy-looking, and people fear what they don’t know as well as insanity.
Once you’ve got the first ingredients down, manipulation will be a cinch. Really, being a Scary Teacher is all about power, and manipulation is just another way to show that you have the power.
Favoritism is optional, because you may not want to acknowledge or be cordial with any of your students. However, showing special attention to a small group of students can really help you carry out unfairness and manipulation. Plus, it’ll infuriate the rest of your students to no end!
